June 12, 2012

List and Pissed. AKA: Mom Guilt. AKA: Angry Wife Syndrome.

Posted in Parenthood tagged , , , , , at 10:41 pm by openendedcomment

I’m trying desperately hard to stay positive.  To stay the happy, calm and loving wife I want to be and strive to be and really do try to be each and every day because 1) I love my husband 2) I know that there are many, many people both married and single that would give up pretty much anything to be in the kind of  relationship that my husband and I share and 3) I don’t like myself very much when I’m bitter/angry/flat-out-pisssed.  But I am.  Pissed.  I’ve been trying to call him all day to no avail as I have a TON to do and just want to know when he’ll be home and if that time will work with everything I have to do (read: can I run errands alone or do I need to take all four with me and what time should I have dinner ready so that we are not eating in shifts.)

I am pissed and I’m tired and I’m guilty and I’m pretty close to panicked that I am not doing enough while at the same time wondering how on earth I can do any more than I’m already doing.  Likely didn’t help that I arrived home to a less than happy sitter as my children made her mental today.  Awesome.  Day two and she looks ready to bail. Not that I blame her.  They…the combination of them and Summer can be a bit daunting.

When I’m in this sort of situation in any other area of my life I make a list. I write down what is happening in black red and white in order to actually “look” at it as opposed to just “think” about it.  The looking allows me a different perspective and oddly enough, more often than not, provides me with the clarity I need to get my shit together and move forward.  This is why my offices (both at my actual office and my home office), though equipped with  perfectly functional computers, are also full of notepads.  I need to write it out.  By hand.

As it works in every other aspect of life I’m trying it with this one, too.  The issue to be resolved is the lack of shared responsibility for our home, children and lives.  Now, I know that only a few months ago I was writing about the sheer joy of my husband having a new career.  And there is still joy in that.  Really, there is.  I am thankful and happy and thankful that that he is happy.  BUT…the happiness is slowly but surely being replaced with some serious resentment.  You see, I work too.  I work and I still do almost everything around here…look, I’ll show you.  This is the list based on yesterday to help me “see” what is/is not reality.  Yes, it’s in red.  I’m at home and the children stole all of the working pens.  Note: buy pens.

                   

So…while yes, he wakes at dawn (he always has and does even on weekends)…he just…leaves.  I never really leave.  Ever.  I am taking calls and fielding texts and emails from my home while doing the same for clients in four time zones.  It’s a miracle I haven’t tried to ground the owner of an agency or advise a producer to just put an ice pack on it and I’ll be there soon.  And while this may seem petty to some; it actually does give me clarity.  A little anyway.  I forgot to add the dishes…twice (morning and evening) and the cat box and the errands I ran, not to mention the super-fun conversation with our insurance company regarding the calls to the Doctor(s) offices.  We both work hard…but I can’t help but feel as though I work a bit harder…like I do more than my fair share.  Or perhaps I’m being utterly delusional by thinking there is such a thing as a “fair” share in a marriage.  He does do most of the hockey running (I make the games, not the practices)…but then I do the vast majority of LaCrosse…are there any marriages or relationships in which one party doesn’t feel as though they do the lion’s share?  And, if I’m being honest, do I even want him to handle these things?  I mean, the dishes and laundry I’m fine with passing on but the calls and the organizing…as much as it bugs me…I don’t really want to let that go.

Which leads me to the question:  How do I do all of this and still feel as though I need to be doing more?  Today when I left my office I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt for leaving “early” (3PM) even though I did work as soon as I got home and will work still more tonight…I hate not being present. Then, when I got here…my youngest was sad that I had work to do and couldn’t hang out right at that moment (that always just kills me) and I saw that there was still more laundry…and dust…and the security company people called; my card expired and they need a call now…and it’s all on me.   I haven’t seen my friends in…well, let’s just say it is terrible; I blogged about it…so… April?  Not that I can’t, I just do not have the time.  At all.  I suppose when I really look at it; he doesn’t do more because I do it…and there’s no point in doing it twice.  Perhaps I just need to piece a few things off to him and see how it goes…or perhaps I just need a vacation.  Which we’re taking.  In three weeks…at a resort in a lovely townhouse that will need to be cleaned with beach towels that will need to be washed constantly and Wi-Fi so I can still work…ugh.  Scratch that vacation comment.  What I really need is a hard stop.  A power outage that lasts for at least 24-48 hours that prevents me from doing anything but just being still..present…quiet and really with these five people who do make me mental but also keep me whole.

C’mon Xcel…do what you do best…crash.  Mommy needs a break.

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3 Comments »

  1. Seriously. Could we lobby for a “hard stop?” WE pay the bills…stands to reason that WE could request a two-day power outage. Sign me up!

  2. Jamie Koblas said,

    I don’t know how families with 2 working parents can do it. The stress of it all. You need to hire a housekeeper or home manager (or just pass a few things off to your hubby).

  3. Thank you both…and yes, I do need a housekeeper..but the babysiter sucks all of money…and she doesn’t clean…lobby for it? Absolutely. Every two months a 2-day hard stop break. NO sports, no weddings, no showers, no work, no nothing.


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