August 8, 2012

Causes not yet lost.

Posted in Life Lessons tagged , , , , at 4:32 pm by openendedcomment

I wrote a post entitled “Trainwrecks and Time.”   The time has come.  The train wreck was only partially avoided.  I have written and rewritten this post so many times I have lost count.  It comes down to this: Forgive.  Forgive, find a way through and know that regrets, no matter how sure you are you won’t have any, can and do still jump out at you.  I know that we, my husband and I, did try.  I know that he did the right thing.  At least part of the right thing; I feel he and we could and should have done more. 

There are still relationships so sideways, backwards and upside-down that they seem irretrievably broken.  I say “seem” as opposed to ‘are” as though all signs point to “are”, I still have hope.  Not for me, for him and for them.  I have hope that someday, somehow, something resembling love, loyalty and understanding will find their way into those hearts and minds so closed off by anger, hurt and pain and that somehow what is so very, very wrong will someday at least inch towards right again.

I’ve been told I am an idiot for thinking this.  Perhaps I am.  Perhaps I need to be.  If I were to concede that there is indeed no hope of any form of reconciliation no matter how small then I would have to release that part of me that believes in the good of these men.  I don’t want to let that go.  I don’t want to lose love.  I don’t want to lose hope.  I want to know they are good as they are, in some small way, a part of the man I love and the children I adore.  They are in each other.  No matter how much either party chooses to pretend it isn’t so…it is there.  In their eyes, their mannerisms, their words and even in their stubborn and deep-seeded anger.  They will always be bound.

That time I spoke of…it hasn’t quite run out.  Not yet.  And though the sands are running ever faster through the hourglass, they haven’t ended.  That means that in these last moments there is still a chance…no matter how small.  I read once that in our lives each emotion comes down to two: Love or Fear.  The fear of rejection and anger and hurt drives all negative and the love…the love can change everything else.  The fear in this moment is suffocating.  It has taken so much from so many already.  The fear is the void and the void is endless.  I can’t fill it alone. 

I don’t pray very often.  I talk to God and I believe but I don’t pray for things I want to see happen.  I feel as though I’m using up my turns or if I ask for too much too often I won’t be taken seriously.  I prayed for this.  For their peace and their chance at love.  I got down on my knees and I begged for them to find it in their hearts to reach out…just once.  Once is all it would take.  Please give them just one time to look at each other without anger and try to remember the decades of brotherhood that they shared.  To feel even a fraction of the empathy for each other that once was so effortless.  I prayed with everything I have and knowing the life I have led I know that my prayers are not at the top of the list…so I humbly ask that any of you reading this, if you could or would spare a moment, please, say a little prayer.  A prayer for hope, a word for causes not yet lost.

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