August 15, 2012

Raw.

Posted in Life Lessons, Parenthood tagged , , , , , , , , , at 5:22 pm by openendedcomment

Humbled.  I am completely humbled by the actions of a son and a brother.  This man who instilled the humility in me and in my husband was amazing.  He exposed a depth of courage, strength and love that literally brought tears to my eyes and filled me with gratitude, as well as shame.

Devastated.  I am heartbroken for so many at this moment for so very many, many reasons.  For loss and for pain and for the healing that should have taken place so many years, months, weeks and even hours ago that never happened.  For opportunities lost.  For moments of reconciliation between family members that were not recognized even at the times they should have been compelled to be.  Utterly, completely devastating to witness.

Disappointed.  In myself most of all.  For the myriad of decisions and words and misunderstandings I was not strong enough or good enough to rise above and be better for and in these past years.  The regrets could fill an ocean and my hindsight must someday become my foresight if I am to ever be who they deserve me to be as a Mother, a Wife, Daughter and Friend.

Thankful.  I am so thankful for the people that surround our lives.  Our friends who are more than friends, who are family and strength and love and wise counsel.  Who showed themselves through word and deed again and again these past days as people we do not deserve yet are so grateful for.

Most of all, I am hopeful.  That the few moments I witnessed within these past seventy-two hours and one I did not deserve to be a part of but was embraced into regardless could be a start, a small but heartfelt beginning, towards a chance of at  least some things being closer to right again.  I can’t change what is already done, no matter how desperately I may wish it were possible.  I can only go forward with hope for a better tomorrow.

The past days and really years have left us so many things, so many emotions and with such raw and exposed ends. And maybe that’s the way it needs to be.  Maybe that’s how healing begins.

The words of a woman I spoke to last night, the best friend of my husband’s late Mother, have been ringing in my ears for the past fifteen hours.  I want to do them justice but I don’t know how.  I suppose all I can do and really all I should do at this time is to open myself up to them and to pray that my husband does so as well.  And though I do have my own apologies to be made and my own forgiveness not to expect but to earn, at the end of the day it is not my place to right these wrongs.  My words are not the ones that need to be heard.

My place is simple, I will do what I can today and each day to ensure that in our lives we live with less regret and more love.  That we forgive faster and are slower to anger.  That we move forward from this with conviction and purpose to give to our children the peace of mind and security in their hearts that we will be the parents they deserve and need, including providing them with an example instead of only a direction of the kind of parents and children and sons and daughters and brothers and sister we want them to be.  I think she would like that.

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2 Comments »

  1. cindy huttner said,

    I am going through a similar time with my father right now Heidi so all of this really hits home. If you want to talk, please call me or message me. You are on the right road.


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