May 1, 2013

A defining moment. On repeat.

Posted in Life Lessons tagged , , , , at 11:35 am by openendedcomment

On April 15th, the company I have poured myself into for the past three years was sold.  The career I had loved and the company I helped create is still in existence, but it is no longer a part of my life.  And that, dear reader, sucks.

I’m not going to go into how this happened or what the details were/are but suffice to say I was blindsided and am still reeling.   If you had asked me where I’d be in five, ten or even fifteen years just thirty days ago I would have answered with total confidence that I’d be working for company X.  I knew it.  I had no doubts.  I suppose this is how it happens, it is never easy.  If anyone should know that by now it should be me, but still, I didn’t see it coming.  Not like this.  In the past two weeks I’ve tried to conduct myself professionally, to ensure that the work I did will continue with or without me. I’m odd like that.  Even if I’m no longer a part of it and even if it is if no real benefit to me, I still want to see it succeed.   In this process I have also lost eight pounds and have been living on two to three hours of sleep a night.   It happens.

That being said, I’m not one to wallow in what-ifs or if-only’s…I’m much more of a what’s next kind of woman.  It’s not like I’ve never been through this before.  Nine years ago my then-career was pulled out from under me and nine years ago I did what I do, which was to figure it the eff out and move forward.  Intellectually, I am aware that I need to repeat this process.  Emotionally, as I review my resume and see in black and white the accomplishments and challenges I’ve achieved and overcome in the past fifteen years, I have an over-whelming need to change things up.

In the twenty-two years I have been working, I’ve never given any thought as to what I want.  I mean, I haven’t just taken any job, I’ve considered if it is the right fit and I’ve really enjoyed and succeeded at the majority of what I’ve done, but it has always come down to doing what I’ve had to do.  To support my family, to provide for life’s necessities like mortgage, gas, food and my children’s care.  I’ve done whatever it takes to make my life and more importantly their lives good…and every time I’ve also found myself deeply involved and personally invested in the company for which I have worked.  Maybe this time it’s time I’m invested more in myself.  In what I want to do as opposed to what I need to do.  Maybe, just maybe there is a chance that I can have both.

I’m not exactly sure where this will lead.  I don’t have forever to figure it out, the mortgage, gas and food aren’t free and are still looming.  I still have to move forward and move fast.  But here’s what I do know:  No matter how quickly decisions must be made I will make them differently.  I’m all done tying my future to someone else’s success.  This time, it’s on my terms.