April 9, 2013

A four letter word.

Posted in Life Lessons, Parenthood tagged , , , , , at 12:53 pm by openendedcomment

Snow.  I hate that word right now.  Like…hate.  I detest, loathe and despise that s-word.  Today marks the seventh month of winter in Minnesota.  Mother Nature is giving us the middle finger, people I love are going through Hell, my life is chaos and I’m foul…but instead of dwelling on all the crap, I thought that at least for today, I’d try to look on the bright side…find the good.  I need the good right now and when I write things down, they tend to be more “true” or at least seem this way.  It’s worth a shot.

We are going to get several inches of snow.  Bright side: it’s raining before the snow, and we need rain.  I’m getting more wear out of my winter clothing.  Even brighter side, I started my summer-prep workouts four weeks late this year.  My arms aren’t tank-ready and as it appears I’ll have until June before the weather requires a tank top, much less a t-shirt, I’m actually right on track.  Oh, and no sun-burns…not yet.  I can and do burn in 60 degree April within about twenty minutes.  I wear sunscreen everyday and it never matters…I’m still going to fry.  This is also a less sun damage and wrinkles kind of bright side and when you’re on the wrong end of 35, that’s a really big deal.

I never see my husband because he works insane hours and I have to handle 99% of what goes on at home.  Bright side: We don’t fight much because when we do see each other, those petty things don’t seem to matter.  His working this way also means that he feels fulfilled and I’m thankful he finally has a career he can be proud of on all levels.  I also get to take care of things around here my own way, which I actually prefer, no matter how much it annoys me day-to-day.  Bonus bright side:  Bonuses.

I have no social life because I am always driving my children around to sports, friends, sports, school, dates and sports.  Bright side:  I have four healthy and active children.  I’m on the tail-end of this mom-chauffeur thing and I know that I’ll miss it all…someday.  Everyone says so.  Then again, they all also said that childbirth was “a good kind of pain” and that once I got through the two and three-year old phase it would get easier…so we’ll see.

Speaking of children, they have, all four in their own way, been a challenge these past few months.  Bright side: So far, challenges met.  Note to God, Karma, the World: This is not a challenge/dare to make it harder.  Brighter still, I’m pretty sure that based on how we’ve addressed these issues, we’ll be in a better place with each of them in short order.

This past year I’ve been re-examining my relationships with people.  I’ve lost a few along the way.  Bright side: I offered forgiveness and asked for it from the people and situations I needed.  Some worked out, others didn’t, and in the end at least I know I’ve done what I can do.  No more loose ends and way less drama.  Good things.

I’m sure that within a few weeks I’ll be back to complaining.  I know that so many have such larger problems…so many near and dear to me are dealing with things far, far worse.  I hate that I can’t fix it for them and that right now I don’t even know how to make it easier.  I get that I don’t really have the right to complain.  That said, I know I will.  In a month or two I’ll be dying of heat, sun-burned, annoyed that all I do is drive around and work and someone will have royally ticked me off and I’ll fall back into my whining ways…but for today, it’s all about the positive.  And that’s all any of us can really expect, right?  One day and one moment at a time, to enjoy what we can and we what we have…even if today that is the forecast for a foot of snow in April.

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June 12, 2012

List and Pissed. AKA: Mom Guilt. AKA: Angry Wife Syndrome.

Posted in Parenthood tagged , , , , , at 10:41 pm by openendedcomment

I’m trying desperately hard to stay positive.  To stay the happy, calm and loving wife I want to be and strive to be and really do try to be each and every day because 1) I love my husband 2) I know that there are many, many people both married and single that would give up pretty much anything to be in the kind of  relationship that my husband and I share and 3) I don’t like myself very much when I’m bitter/angry/flat-out-pisssed.  But I am.  Pissed.  I’ve been trying to call him all day to no avail as I have a TON to do and just want to know when he’ll be home and if that time will work with everything I have to do (read: can I run errands alone or do I need to take all four with me and what time should I have dinner ready so that we are not eating in shifts.)

I am pissed and I’m tired and I’m guilty and I’m pretty close to panicked that I am not doing enough while at the same time wondering how on earth I can do any more than I’m already doing.  Likely didn’t help that I arrived home to a less than happy sitter as my children made her mental today.  Awesome.  Day two and she looks ready to bail. Not that I blame her.  They…the combination of them and Summer can be a bit daunting.

When I’m in this sort of situation in any other area of my life I make a list. I write down what is happening in black red and white in order to actually “look” at it as opposed to just “think” about it.  The looking allows me a different perspective and oddly enough, more often than not, provides me with the clarity I need to get my shit together and move forward.  This is why my offices (both at my actual office and my home office), though equipped with  perfectly functional computers, are also full of notepads.  I need to write it out.  By hand.

As it works in every other aspect of life I’m trying it with this one, too.  The issue to be resolved is the lack of shared responsibility for our home, children and lives.  Now, I know that only a few months ago I was writing about the sheer joy of my husband having a new career.  And there is still joy in that.  Really, there is.  I am thankful and happy and thankful that that he is happy.  BUT…the happiness is slowly but surely being replaced with some serious resentment.  You see, I work too.  I work and I still do almost everything around here…look, I’ll show you.  This is the list based on yesterday to help me “see” what is/is not reality.  Yes, it’s in red.  I’m at home and the children stole all of the working pens.  Note: buy pens.

                   

So…while yes, he wakes at dawn (he always has and does even on weekends)…he just…leaves.  I never really leave.  Ever.  I am taking calls and fielding texts and emails from my home while doing the same for clients in four time zones.  It’s a miracle I haven’t tried to ground the owner of an agency or advise a producer to just put an ice pack on it and I’ll be there soon.  And while this may seem petty to some; it actually does give me clarity.  A little anyway.  I forgot to add the dishes…twice (morning and evening) and the cat box and the errands I ran, not to mention the super-fun conversation with our insurance company regarding the calls to the Doctor(s) offices.  We both work hard…but I can’t help but feel as though I work a bit harder…like I do more than my fair share.  Or perhaps I’m being utterly delusional by thinking there is such a thing as a “fair” share in a marriage.  He does do most of the hockey running (I make the games, not the practices)…but then I do the vast majority of LaCrosse…are there any marriages or relationships in which one party doesn’t feel as though they do the lion’s share?  And, if I’m being honest, do I even want him to handle these things?  I mean, the dishes and laundry I’m fine with passing on but the calls and the organizing…as much as it bugs me…I don’t really want to let that go.

Which leads me to the question:  How do I do all of this and still feel as though I need to be doing more?  Today when I left my office I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt for leaving “early” (3PM) even though I did work as soon as I got home and will work still more tonight…I hate not being present. Then, when I got here…my youngest was sad that I had work to do and couldn’t hang out right at that moment (that always just kills me) and I saw that there was still more laundry…and dust…and the security company people called; my card expired and they need a call now…and it’s all on me.   I haven’t seen my friends in…well, let’s just say it is terrible; I blogged about it…so… April?  Not that I can’t, I just do not have the time.  At all.  I suppose when I really look at it; he doesn’t do more because I do it…and there’s no point in doing it twice.  Perhaps I just need to piece a few things off to him and see how it goes…or perhaps I just need a vacation.  Which we’re taking.  In three weeks…at a resort in a lovely townhouse that will need to be cleaned with beach towels that will need to be washed constantly and Wi-Fi so I can still work…ugh.  Scratch that vacation comment.  What I really need is a hard stop.  A power outage that lasts for at least 24-48 hours that prevents me from doing anything but just being still..present…quiet and really with these five people who do make me mental but also keep me whole.

C’mon Xcel…do what you do best…crash.  Mommy needs a break.